The Reluctant lyricist - chronicles of the Insane..

After a self imposed hiatus due to my inability to maintain a work life balance, i am back to doing wat i really like.. writing crap and spamming ppl's mailboxes to read it :) So here i am being a reluctant lyricist to satisfy the gulzar in me...

Apart from a few aberrations like himesh reshamiyya, altaf raja, anu malik (non-filmi) and their kin.. hindi music has been pretty enjoyable over the last few decades.. well that just made me sound like someone who has been listening to hindi music since the 1970's.. but my knowledge is limited to as i said the blips in the last 10 years or so.

I was just thinking if i can dwell on some hindi songs with a twist.. the twist being the added knowledge about good old hyderabadi lingo :) as navjot sidhu would say, u can remove anup from hyderabad.. but u can't remove hyderabad from anup..! (sigh)

Following is a refresher course on commonly used/abused words in hyderabad and their marriage with some chart busters wherever i can.. no offense or intent to ridicule any of the original works of all the lyricists.. strictly tbtilv

Note:It is important for you to sing along like in a karaoke to feel the real impact!

1.aiseich (n. eye-say-each)
Indian English : like this only
related forms: is tarah

Made famous by: Hrithik's quandary in Lakshya "Main aiseich kyun hoon.. main aiseich kyun hoon??.. Main aiseich aiseich aiseich hi hoon..!"

2.nakko (n. nak-kho)
Indian English : No re
related forms: nahin

Made famous by: A drunk Ayesha Takia in the lift crooning to a remixed "Nakko Nakko... abhi nakko.. karo thoda intezaaaaaaaar.. shake it daddy"

3.aayinga (n. aah-yin-gah)
Indian English : will come no
related forms: aayega..

Made famous by: A pretty old song. in black and white.. help me with the movie, but it goes like "aayingaaaa... aayingaaaa.. aayingaa.. aayingaa aane waala.. aayingaaaa.. aayingaaaaaaaa"

4.kaiku (n. kye-cooh)
Indian English : but why
related forms: kyun

Made famous by: Aamir khan and priety zinta in "Jaane kaiku log pyar karte hain, jaane kaiku woh kisi pe marte hain.. jaane kaiiiiiiiiiku.. jaane kaiku.. jaane kaiku jaane kaiku jaane kaiku?"

---from here on im unable to think of songs.. its not easy actually :) so switching to dialogues---

5.hona bolke (n. ho-nah boll-kay)
Indian English : purposely
related forms: chalake

Made famous by: Ok i cant think of any songs but a few situations in so many movies
Scene1: "tum ne hona bolke meri beti ko kidnap karaya" -- betrayed side villain to main villian
Scene2: "Yeh galti se ho gaya.. maine hona bolke nahin kiya.." -- when the house maid accidentally kills someone at the crime scene in the bungalow

6.khaali peeli (n. call-ee peel-ee)
Indian English : just like that
related forms: aise hi (the other meaning)

Made famous by:
Scene1: "tum khaali peeli mujhpe shak kar rahe ho" -- unfaithful husband to a suspecting wife who wears 200gms of sindhoor and a thickly bordered zari saree..
Scene2: "inspector saab aap khaali peeli mere pe galat ilzaam laga rahe ho" -- innocent hero to a pan spitting, corrupt police officer wearing ray-ban aviators..


7.wohich (n. whoa-itch)
Indian English : that only
related forms: wohi, unho

Made famous by:
Scene1: "Wohich tera saccha pyar hain jo tu pehchaan nahin payi" -- heroine's friend (with too much makeup and too little expressions) to herione in the last but one reel of the film
Scene2: "jis chor ko aap dhoond rahe the yeh wohich hain" -- intelligent constable to inspector with subzero IQ levels just before the interval episode..

ok..may day.. may day.. my mind is tired.. all this compilation has taken a lot out of me.. time to get back to the daily grind called life!.. Do give in your comments if you have more such gems.. The reluctant lyricist in me would really appreciate :) as i keep hearing in an ad .. the possibilities are endless!

till next time..
take care.. and be sane!


PS: Sincere apologies for using Gulzar saab's reference... and to MNS. (just in case i said something i should not have.. u never know with those guys..)

The Curious Case of Indian Graffiti....

The thing with Indian graffiti is that in most cases only the guy who writes it can make out what it is and have a good laugh about it.. cos either his handwriting would be a graphologist's nightmare or it would give the creators of spell check a massive heart attack..

over the years ive seen things written on,in,below,between,along,above.. using up every possible centimeter available of various canvasses from restrooms,to trees.. to UNESCO world heritage sites! and the all time favorite Indian graffiti muse.. "the public transport". But the thing that struck me most was the passion with which they do it, so much effort.. chiseling on sandstone or concrete is not easy...

Although you would have seen a thousand examples of this dying art.. some of them just stay with you, either for their stupidity or uniqueness.. below are some of them that most of you might have seen.. but lets revisit to see if they were Write or wrong!

Fast fact: Most of the graffiti is based on one's profusion of love for another.. and the names that have appeared the most are fatima,saleem,raju and priya (no offense to them .. but next time u see something, i think u might agree :))


Artifact 1: If you are from Mumbai, then you must ve read the most prevalent graffiti all over mumbai from Virar to Cuffparade.. "Beanbag 26407367" sprayed on walls in red/black paint. I am not sure if it is the best way to market for a bean bag.. i dont even know if there is a beanbag business at all. I should try calling that no. some time.


Artifact 2: The "Heart" of/on public transport, with cupid's arrow all bent,beaten going through it. The heart obviously will have 2 names on either side of it.. but it is amazing... how consistently people produce the heart with the same crooked arrow with their names. I think it must give them some kind of a high to know that so many people read it.. oh i almost forgot to mention that MOST people DON'T notice it and its only people who haven't written a blog for a long time that notice them...

Artifact 3: "Abuse" - mostly found in restrooms or what we used to call "Bad words written in the school bathroom" :) you get to read it every time you visit that place and end up reading it and sometimes marvel at the genius or give him back the same abuse.. im still trying to recollect what was written in my school bathroom.. dammit cant recollect

Artifact 4: Benches,Desks. Well this one gets refined as you move from school to college to PG.. you learn to shrink it and use associative aides like a mobile phone or paper & pulp.. its just paper actually. A Geometric compass used to be handy in school and the best part of wooden desks is that after few months.. (just in time for the next set of exams) the bench somehow becomes clear to bear the next round of formulae/theorems/statistics.... long live strict invigilation!


Artifact 5: World heritage sites.Wouldn't Shahjahan's masterpiece look even better with another 12,856 love stories inscribed on its walls! The monuments once in a while undergo face lifting or restoration.. may be they want to hide all the graffiti on it!! I seriously don't understand when ppl sneak in and write their love stories on them.. and that too while dodging all the pan stains on the walls!

Leave these ones that stick out prominently and you have many other masterpieces that can be discussed.. but have got an IPL match to catchup with.. Deccan chargers have actually started
winning. I thot i was dreaming.. but if i were dreaming id actually be looking at a graffiti less Gateway of India.. lets just hope this dream does come true!

తొక్కలో ഗ്രഫ്ഫിടി மீட ओका ಬ್ಲಾಗ್ ಕೂಡ .. చ.! (for a local flavor)

PS: About the Deccan Chargers thing.. turns out i was dreaming...! :(

List of Fury..!!

As on Jan 10th this year i ceased to be 25 something.. now Ive crossed the threshold of a quarter century.. Oh my god i am 26 !! i haven't felt so bad since the time Himesh Reshammiya took to acting.. and before that when Double Decker buses were pulled out of Hyderabad.

I am trying to downplay the thoughts that ring in my head when i think about being 26.. but then you suddenly tend to feel older than what 26 might sound like.. u wont understand until u r in my shoes. its kinda worse than becoming 20 enroute to finishing ur teens..

Well now coming to the part where i explain why i am writing this blog, its cos i want to list down a few "things to do in life*" before my next milestone (logically it would be 50yrs) but ya that's flexible. Everyone has new year resolutions like the one for the board at SATYAM was to be honest this year!. see where they landed.Mine is more of a list* than resolutions.. cos it has a limited liability towards fulfillment :D

*Some of the "things to do" are unbelievably ambitious - Readers Discretion advised


--> Learning to play a musical instrument
It's no secret that the art of wooing is made simpler wen the protagonist can play a musical instrument. For someone who hasn't even come close to touching musical instruments i think even the most primitive ones that tribals use can be a good start. Guitar would be a fantasy, and anyways am not sure how playing for the tribals would help in wooing :D

--> Driving a SUV
Owning might take a long time so am restricting the scope.Hopefully it will not be in the city, cos i find it difficult to maneuver my Santro without any dents and if i drive an SUV, ill turn it into a Zebra with all the scratches. Btw Tata Sumo and Mahindra Bolero aren't exactly what i am looking for...

--> Getting a 6 pack (Minus the tattoos)
I hear a few chuckles.. anyways, the closest Ive come to possess a six pack was when i bought Gilette CARTRIDGES (6 in no.). I already have Aamir khan's video on how to develop a 6 pack. Add to that daily journeys through Mumbai's local trains and buses.. and lo! it might not remain a dream after all. I can still hear some chuckles.. :(

--> Eating a Biryani all by myself
Coming from the land where you cant escape the aroma of biryani from even the smallest of by lanes, i have always struggled to complete a whole plate of biryani all by myself. Although it contradicts my earlier ambition of getting a 6 pack, i hope i will be able to complete a biryani all by myself even if it means i feed the table, chairs and the floor..

--> Play in front of an audience
I have done it before, when we were playing chain cut and Hide n Seek in front of all the parents of the over enthusiastic kids... but then playing football,cricket or basketball in front of a packed audience rooting for you.. that would be awesome. I have only corporate games to look forward to now... i think i might as well settle for "lemon in a tea spoon" for couples at my child's sports day. (that's some foresight!!)

--> Learn to Cook
This is more of a defence mechanism in a state of emergency. Its always good to know how to cook and get used to eating the food you made urself without choking. Right now the motivation level is quite low to do this.. but im sensing i might have to bring this trait on...

--> Growing a French Beard
Currently i sport a 'wireless' french bcos of scarcity in the region between the lower lip and the chin.My grandfather and dad both were able to sport one.. so hopefully it shan't be long before i do it. Not that it'll make me look cool, But just for the heck of it and for all those people who used to intimidate me with stubble..!

I hope im able to knock off atleast a few of these before i reach my next milestone and then i can frame my next set of ambitions. On a different historic note, i am glad i was one of the few lucky ones to have witnessed the end of "Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi..." There was a generation which could not see the end of that soap.. anyways,Here's wishing you the most belated "Happy NEW YEAR!" and hope you have a wonderful year ahead.

Cheers.



PS: May PWC be the first and last auditing firm under the scanner this year.. cos its a matter of livelihood now :) Amen!

Suhaana Suffer..!!

Traveling in Mumbai is an art.. err.. i think its a science.People who think its an art just sit back and admire the maddening crowd getting in and out of the trains and buses... while those who think its a science.. do what science endorses.. experiment.!

There might have been around 1,85,678 documented past experiences of people's travails in local trains.. but i would want to focus on the lesser of the two evils.. the BEAST .. oh sorry, BEST buses. Although i would suggest that, if you are having a perfectly fine day and just for the heck of it want to experiment with how unforgiving life can be.. then just try getting into a Churchgate-Virar Fast local at DADAR at 5.56 pm. on a weekday. It will be enough pain,suffering and inspiration to write a book on the theme "My last few hours.. and how i was reborn".

Coming back to the task i set upon doing.. the journey in BEST buses.. hmm, well first things first. I have to admire the whole system and network of the buses.. they go to almost all the corners of this "i don't know where it ends" city and bear the brunt of roads that have been battered by the rain. The make up of roads in Mumbai is a little different, they are not of tar (that would mean 34 coats in the monsoon season), but of cement blocks which last longer and need pretty much zero maintenance after laying them. But but but.. once damaged it usually might take an election season to repair them.!

I was not a regular commuter in the buses until "Summer Internship" happened. So all the wanna be ibankers (yeah those were the days when ppl wanted to be..), consultants, analysts along with the nearby milkman, his school going daughter, the night shift security guard and other normal people would be crammed into a bus that travels almost the whole length of Mumbai, starting from my college.

The most striking feature of any bus journey I've seen is that the Conductor of the bus is always frustrated, no matter what time of the day and even if you tender exact change of Rs 8.85 paise to him.. BTW the price on the tickets is in Marathi so u make a guess,give the money and pray to god that u get back the max change possible.

The Bus no.s are written in large font in the front in MARATHI! i finally managed to master all the no.s and was proud of it.. but just yesterday i read 83 as 76.. :O all the effort of learning no.s down the drain :( . Another irritating thing about the bus is that there are NO numbers on the backside of the bus.. so if the bus just left the stop and you are trying to catch it.. wait, how will you know which bus is it? :O there has to be some kind of divine intervention.. which im sorry doesn't even happen in Hindi movies nowadays.!

All said and done, Mumbai bus drivers are the most patient ones unlike the "why am i doing this job" conductors and they ought to be, cos driving a bus at a painstakingly slow 5km/hr in a run of the mill traffic jam needs much more than a repertoire of abuses!. One of the very few places in India where Double Deckers are still plying, and more shockingly may be the only place where a proper queue is made to get into the buses..!!(at least at major junctions). Now.. discipline would be last on your mind when you are drenched in sweat... but try breaking a queue.. pandora's box would sound like an euphemism!!

The moment my summer internship finished there was a huge sense of relief that i don't have to travel again.. but with the possibility of a winter internship of 4 months looming ahead.. i think its time i get myself prepared and fit for the sweat fest...!

PS: Try to spot me in this pic :)

Mera Bharat MyHorn..!!

Just when you thought i disappeared from the face of the most populous city of the second most populous country of the most populated planet... here i am.. back to college after a 2 month 'weight loss' program called summer internship! (4hrs of traveling in the sweltering heat and you d agree with me)

Being one of the lucky ones to have been to 5 of the 6 metros (Somehow never got a chance to go to BANDHladesh... Kolkata for the uninitiated) i thought it would be fun to compare the road manners across the ones ive have lived in sufficiently and have had the privilege to experience : Hyderabad, Bengalooru and Mumbai. Congestion on roads is a common thread that connects all these cities.. but all the misery is to end soon.. what with the Bengalooru,Hyderabad and Mumbai metros coming up within no time.. just another 11-13 yrs!

But you never know.. the mumbai metro with a super charged Anil Ambani could be completed a few days before schedule and may be we can have "Baa" from 'Kyunki Saas bhi Kabhi..' fame to inaugurate the Andheri station. Oh and btw she would be celebrating her 419th birthday on the daily soap. Legend has it.. that Baa's town has run out of candles celebrating her bday for the last "oh god how long is she gonna live" years.

Lets get started with all the noise then :
Disclaimer: these are just my observations and am sure there will be a lot to add.. but then what is India without diverse opinions ;)

Hyderabad
Road Sense	Minimal. Over enthusiastic Auto drivers bring the overall Road sense IQ to sub zero levels.
Chief Mischief makers	The 3 wheeler called ‘Auto’ The Chief Minister himself, every time he ventures out.
Driver's nightmare	Punjagutta/Ameerpet main roads on a weekday evening. Any place where there’s a celebrity to be spotted, even if it is Abhijeet Sawant.
Method/Mode of Abuse	Mostly a mixture of Hindi, Urdu and Telugu. Usually starts with an attack on self and then proceeds towards family members. Minimal use of English.
Role of Traffic Cop	What?
What to watch out for	APSRTC bus drivers pretending to be a certain someone called Michael Schumacher Pan spitting men behind a wheel.

Mumbai
Road Sense	Excellent in SoBo (south Bombay) due to absence of autowallahs and two wheelers. Lane system followed. Actually there is no space to fool around!
Chief Mischief makers	There’s just so much traffic, everyone has just either themselves or god to blame!
Driver's nightmare	Any place where there’s a flyover being constructed. There is no off peak hour.
Method/Mode of Abuse	Mostly Hindi. Usually starts with abuses related to an attack on family members. Use of English in South Bombay by Porsche, Lamborghini users.
Role of Traffic Cop	Usually stuck near the Airport or any other place where there is a flyover being constructed. Hardly seen on busy junctions. Could have the least life expectancy of all the traffic men in the country.
What to watch out for	Huge Potholes that can eat up a Mahindra Scorpio! The months between June to September (it Rains cats, dogs, buffaloes and dinosaurs).

Bengalooru
Road Sense	Was good till ‘Namma Metro’ started. ‘One ways’ can be very confusing to first time drivers.
Chief Mischief makers	Infosys Technologies (may be has more buses plying than KSRTC) Weird looking Autos. Have the biggest 'back rest for the driver' in the whole of India.
Driver's nightmare	Hosur Road, any day anytime (Married Software Engineers have spent more time on this road than with their newlyweds) MG Road, after the commencement of the Metro Rail.
Method/Mode of Abuse	Mostly in mixture of languages as 98.6% of India’s software junta plies on the roads. Usually sophisticated abuses due to high level of literacy. Most of the Autowallahs can speak English.
Role of Traffic Cop	Sport funny looking attire with a weird hat cum helmet. Seem sincere and effective but somehow go un noticed.
What to watch out for	Any road leading to ‘FORUM’ Eager single guys showing off their two wheelers (bought under loan) on MG, Brigade Roads to impress.. u know…

haven't stayed in Chennai and Delhi long enough to gauge into their traffic woes. India could be the country that is the reason why the inventor of the 'Horn' can live off the royalties for the next 6000 Yrs. All these minor glitches apart, Mera Bharat MyHorn.. err Mahaan!!

Till Next taunt ;)
Adios

Pirates of ViharLake : Curse of the black pulse

disclaimer: The views expressed in the tirade below are mine,mine and only mine.No committee or commuNitie endorses it.No offense intended to people connected to the facility.. But pun, definitely intended..

A serene location in west India, where a cook from karnataka prepares panneer for a hungry Andhraite... globalisation?? no that's recipe for disaster!! btw welcome to the place i eat or in local lingo Wat is called a 'mess'.Whoever coined that term, saw a pun in it.. at least earlier than i did! Gentleladies and gentleman, fasten your seat belts.. cos the ride is going to be MESSy

I keep wondering if our mess is the world's most 'Aloo' friendly mess.. Mr.Sharad Pawar can back me up on this.. its always 'aloo this' or 'aloo that', and if its not the case, then it is 'that with aloo' or 'this with aloo'. If ever there's a rise in potato prices due to shortage, then hopefully we will get to taste exotic things called other vegetables..

Apart from making spoofs of malai kofta, all types of panner masala, veg biriyani and rasugollas the cook also indulges in soda flavoured curd, sugar water (read as lemon juice), elaichi water (read as tea) and 'eat it if you can' biriyani. The one that takes the cake is the Chinese food dished out every Friday.. oh my gaaaaaaawd..! (I wonder if the guy who cooks on Friday is actually a watchman from Nepal who looks Chinese and cooks miserable-ese)

The mess usually gets highest patronage on Wednesdays when chicken is served.. btw chicken here means rejected neck pieces, the bones you never thought existed in a foul and liver.. which gives us a feeling, it doesn't matter if there's bird flu or not, chicken is still scarce man..! Panneer on the same day reminds you of Natraj plasto eraser. (good exercises for the teeth and gums btw)

The snacks and breakfast somehow manage to raise the bar from utterly atrocious to bearable.But again like the disclaimer: mutual fund investments are subject to market risk, please read the offer document carefully before investing (all in one breath in 3 secs), you are susceptible to FluCtuaTionS in quality. Talk of starting your day with a bang..!

All said and done, there are some good things also like the butter milk, the 'thank god the radius increased' gulab jamun, the jalebi, the dahi wada.. gosh I'm running out of options...
I don't think i've said all i wanted to, but please do try to read between the lines! :)

Everyday, we Spartans go to war.. sometimes we win with great difficulty, but most of the time its 300 reasons why the food beats us into submission !! good gosh, its that time of the day now...

Its time for dinner again... SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.........


Yours frustratingly,
A n u p.


PS:The author lost 5 kilos in the last 6 months.And no.. its not an exaggeration unless the weighing scale at the dispensary is severely under calibrated. Lets hope the vegetables,cereals and pulses are put to better use in the future.... Amen!

Chase is the index of the mind..!

Resolutions on new year are such a cliche.. talking of cliches one thing that is clichefied to the extent that new born babies can predict what will happen next are the chases in our movies... long live the ramp and the flower cart. (details later)

The usual prerequisites for a cliched chase are an old jeep/bike, couple of crowded streets,a know it all hero (who needs GPS?), and a bunch of goons with ultra low IQ levels.. seriously i always think of all the goons in all the movies worldwide and i wonder why our desi goons have the lowest IQ levels, but they are the people who make the rajnis,mithuns and balakrishnas of our world look good.!

The following is the 8 marks answer for salient features of Indian chases : (exam hangover i guess)

* A bunch of goons will never be able to catch the heroine.. even if she is wearing 3 inch pointed heels and running in a desert.. and the chase ends in she bumping into the hero.. who btw has no work in life at that precise moment.

* When the goons take away the hero's sister or lady love and the hero is stranded in no man's land.. wait a minute, he always manages to get a bike or a jeep whose owner has gone for a leak.It doesn't matter actually, even if the keys aren't there!

* The chase always goes through streets which are littered with fruit/vegetable carts waiting to be rummaged into.. and yeah i forgot the all time favorite empty barrels.. if you are fortunate you can also witness a garland from the cart flying and sitting on the shoulder of the hero after the accident.. (water.. water.. pls..)

* The one aspect that has caught my fancy since i was a child are these arbit 'ramps' that keep coming up at the exact moment for the hero to get away.. or for the goon to jump into the nearest water body. Again, simple genius at work..

* The shortcuts en route the chase are known only to the hero and if the hero is chasing the goon then that leaves the goon no bloody chance to out pace him.. after all, he is the one who can jump 40 feet in the air just by shifting the gear of his bike!

* Neither the hero nor the goon runs out of gas during the chase, well at least here there seems to be some sense of equality. god bless the stunt directors.

* The goons will never be able to get their aim right during a chase.. well they aren't good otherwise also.. but the hero's aim seems to get better during a chase and most of times,one bullet at the petrol tank and boom...

* Over the years the mode of transport has varied from horses to dilapidated cars to heavy trucks to motor boats.. but the directors still live in the make believe world of cops who use jeeps from 1960s and goons who use AK47s..!


Film makers now are actually making movies that make some sense and are believeable but then its the beauty of the no brainer chases that gives me my money's worth... where have all the unbelievable chases gone?? gimme back my cliche... gimme a story to tell my grandchildren! :D